i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
