i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
