I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
