Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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