??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
