I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
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Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
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When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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