So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
