Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
