One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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