dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
