Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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