Pappa wants mamma naked
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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