my phone needs a breathalizer
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
