I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I need to calm my uterus...
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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