apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
