Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
