Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
