I cut my penus on the lid.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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