I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
