The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
