I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
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