The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
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Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
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WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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