my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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