I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I think i got beer on your cat.
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