Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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