he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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