And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
