yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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