I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
