I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
