Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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