I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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