It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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