So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
