he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
