No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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