I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
