In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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