Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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