she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
