I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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