dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
