I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
