I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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