Define "chronic" masturbator.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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