I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
