And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
