I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
