just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
