the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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