But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
