No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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