Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
