The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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