so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
