Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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