I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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