Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
You ever have a fart follow you around?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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