just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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